Women's Day...who are we really celebrating?

It’s Women’s day, yay! But I feel like shit today. What am I celebrating?

There is so much consumerism, that I have only started associating it as a day of discounts (and so reminded by the multiple messages being forwarded). Stores have begun celebrating the entire week starting 1^st March as Women’s week, with the hope of getting in people to buy out their older stocks in order to get the new stock in. What a scam!

So what really is Women’s Day, and what is it that I am celebrating? Wikipedia to the rescue! Women’s day was first observed on February 28^th 1909 in New York by the Socialist Party of America, but the date was then changed to March 8^th in 1910 by the International Socialists Woman’s Conference. However, this day only got popular when in 1917, women in Soviet Russia gained suffrage. Women textile workers had a demonstration across the city, and this marked the beginning of the French Revolution. It was a strike for ‘Bread and Peace’, demanding the end of World War I, food shortage and czarism. Since then, there had been several protests on this day for ‘right to vote’, hold public office and against sexual discrimination. Hence, this day has come to celebrate womanhood.

But how much womanhood are we really celebrating now? Women fought for their rights decades ago, and now, in the complacency of things, we have forgotten what this day really means.

Has sexual discrimination at work really gone? All the executive assistants in my office are all ladies. Why can’t a man fulfill this role? I work as a Senior Manager, and yet I am the one expected to do the room bookings, make sure everything is set for a meeting, and do work for others. I don’t see the men in my team being asked to do that, or for that matter, even offering to help. Is this because I am a woman?

There are things a man is good at, and things that a woman is good at. And making a home is something that a woman is good at (not generalizing though). Being a homemaker myself, I can safely say that most of us even enjoy it. I know I do, and no shame in that. But as today’s modern woman we are expected to done on capes and put on the role of a multi-tasker of being both a home-maker and a career woman. Those of us who want to make a career, don’t really have an organizational support of balancing the thin line. If we want to grow up the career ladder, more focus has to be on work, and less on our homes. But wait, aren’t we having a career so that we can have money to have a fruitful personal and healthy life?

Yes, we fought for equality, but this equality doesn’t mean that we need to keep proving a point. Before I got married, it was a general mindset that house wives were looked down upon because they were not doing anything with their lives. My parents kept pushing me to be ‘something’, because if I weren’t ‘something’, I would be a nothing. I could only be defined by what I do. But today, after being married, I have a huge respect for the women who have chosen to take the backseat and take care of their homes. It’s not about just running a house, but also sustaining the family. With every food item made, there is love and a prayer to nourish your loved ones. A clean house leads to a clean mind. And to just being there, having the time, to listen and support your loved ones. This is the power of a home-maker.

So on this occasion of Women’s Day, I salute the many women who silently stay in the background, providing love and sustenance to their families.

After all, don’t they say, Love makes this a better place to live in.

Restlessness

Picture by Eikoweb

The soul is restless
My mind cannot be
It's searching for a purpose
That one cannot see

To what ends shall I travel,
That shall heal this pain?
Is it love on my lips?
Or peace within?

But go on I must
On this endless quest
To chase what it is
That this heart yearns

Nothingness

What an odd sweetness there is
In feeling nothing.
The insanity of love,
Cannot harm you.
And the piercing of heartbreak,
Cannot kill you.

Glazed eyes
Behind which
Memories pass by...

Far away spaces
My mind sometimes, hides into
Dreaming from afar
How perfect, reality could be.

She isn't beautiful

She couldn't believe when people called her beautiful
Could they see what she saw?

The darkness that hid behind her eyes
If only she could hide away, every time she was hurt
Instead of being the stoic expected of her

Moments of love and happiness, spiral her to ecstasy
But only to be pushed back into a bottomless pit
Falling.....falling.....

Did others know that physical pain is more enduring than the pain she felt inside?
If only she could cut herself for every hurt endured
Scars is all you would see
And then you would know
Why she doesn't see herself as beautiful

The Curse of the Damned

And she said it to him
Not knowing
It would cause, Her,
More pain than him.

The more she said,
The more it pained.
Pushing him away.

Love had not been kind
Exalting her at one moment,
And denouncing her at the next
Strangling her heart.

She tried to make him understand
And he did love her back
But he did not know
This curse of the damned.

Satyamev Jayate - My hue, cry and appeal to you

When I first saw the teaser video, it gave me goose-bumps. Honest! I even tweeted it as 'soul-stirring'.

The first episode was eagerly awaited. The topic - female foeticide. Aamir Khan hit the mark! What better way to start the show, especially when U.N is focusing on women's issues for 2012. This definitely speaks for the intensive research done for the program.

But what irked me was the audience's reaction. People were shocked and declared the show as an eye opener. But why? Don't people read the newspaper? The same incident of the high no. of cases of female foeticide in Rajasthan was reported a few months ago. There are hoardings around cities against the death of the female child. I have been aware of this issue ever since school.

Then came the rumors that Aamir is being paid 'x' crores for each episode, and that the emotions are fake. Aamir Khan, India's answer to Oprah Winfrey.

The angst was however, settled by my mother. She is a social worker with a women's human rights group. They had been petitioning against female foeticide, and Satyamev Jayate had helped their cause, with Aamir Khan bringing the issue into the limelight.

But then came a second blow with the episode on medical malpractices. I agree that a lot of malpractice does happen. There are so many doctors who have bought their degree. Haven't you heard about a famous minister's elder daughter being a doctor? India has probably the highest density of medical colleges. And yes, action must be taken against such practices. But Aamir, do you understand the psyche of your audience? In India, one rotten apple spoils the entire basket. And that's exactly what happened to the medical fraternity. My fellow doctors were attacked. Yes, what was highlighted in the show is true, but people need to be sensible and not ostracize the entire medical community.

Today morning, I caught the rerun of 'Persons with disabilities - we can fly'. Thankfully, before the start of the show, Aamir requested viewer's discretion (though no direct apology to doctors). Anyhow, the show opened beautifully with the story of Shreya. My heart just went out to her and moved me to tears. Sai's and Krishnakant's stories were so inspiring. Even normal-abled people are not as optimistic as these people. And what their parents have done for them is the greatest gift of all - not giving up on them and treating them as normal people. Why do we fear people with disabilities? What KK said is so right - we can't keep blaming the government all the time, it's also the public's responsibility. Mr. Jawed Abidi used to live in the same building as I do, and it was only due to him that a ramp was built for access to the building. Now others with difficulty in walking are so grateful for that ramp.

For this episode, I truly applaud Satyamev Jayate.

However, I have a dilemma - there are a lot of people who would love to fight for social causes, and even make it their career. But why are social organizations always not-for-profit? Why do NGOs always have to request for monetary help? Why can't social workers be paid MNC salaries for carrying out a public responsibility? (Aren't ministers social workers too, for the country?)

Is anyone listening? Satyamev Jayate is supposedly only airing 13 social causes (as the rumor goes), but I wish they would tackle this too - give business recognition to our NGOs. If the basic resources were soundly based, then these social issues could be better solicited.

The Common (Indian) Man


The big men play their games,
The small men cry in pain,
And in between, are us common people,
Who do nothing but complain.

Shambhuji's ideology of monogamy

Warning - The content of this article is explicit. Narrow-minded people, and aunts&uncles who read my blog, kindly refrain from going further; but if you cannot, please do not hold me accountable.

Everyone has a funny incident from their early years that sticks on for a lifetime - and this is the account of that story of mine.

When I was interning in Psychiatry, it was the routine of taking up a patient's case study and discussing it with the consultant along with the patient, so that it would be a learning and teaching experience together. There were four consultants in the department, and on that eventful day, I had to present my case to Shumbhuji. When you looked at him, you really couldn't imagine him as a psychiatrist, with his big fat belly and lazy eyes, and would rather pass him on as a shop-keeper instead. He seemed to be the disinterested one, often caught sleeping during important seminars.

My patient that day, was disinterested in sex with her husband, due to which he started having an affair. It turned out that she had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) wherein, she found sex a dirty act and needed to keep herself clean. Having reached the diagnosis, it was time for Shumbhuji to put on his show as the great counselor - आदमी का जो ____ होता है - I choked on the water I was drinking when I heard the word! I went red in the face and just wanted to crawl under the table. But Shumbhuji kept on about it's importance, why Lord Shiva's is worshiped, while my patient was completely enthralled as this sexual evolution of man was revealed to her!

His theory was that monogamy is based on the size of a man's tool (I am trying to be as decent as I can). Basis this, Man actually stands between the Chimpanzee and the Gorilla. (I wish I were artistic enough to actually draw that image, couldn't find it on the internet. But does this mean that the theory is wrong or no one bothered with the image? Anyhow, back to the story...) Chimpanzees have a smaller size and apparently do not stick to one female. The Gorilla on the other hand, has a much larger tool, and remains loyal to one female.

Hmm....and since then I have pondered on this theory, and discussed with girlfriends. But assumption were not enough, and I had to research whether this was true. Alas, I have no literature supporting this. The closest reference I got was from this blog - http://alexk2009.hubpages.com/hub/Humans-are-not-monogamous-by-nature - We relatively hairless apes share a common ancestor with Bonobo Apes, Chimpanzees and Gorillas. Gorillas have harems, Chimpanzees have a power based society that lacks monogamy, and Bonobo Apes are most similar to humans in their sexual behaviour, but unlike humans they resolve disputes with sex not violence. We Humans exhibit sexual behaviour that has aspects from each of our three Great Ape Siblings.


Ironically, I came across an article by Dr. Phil that says the exact opposite, which I am NOT going to share because there are other points over which some women might obsess over and ruin a perfectly good relationship.

So N, I have finally shared this story, and we will never truly know whether Shumbhuji's ideology holds true.

What do you say when you want to break someone's heart?

What do you say when you want to walk away from a relationship? Do you have the courage to end it right? Do you have the grit to shatter the other person's heart? And yet, you move on ahead, thinking that things would fall in place, that the other person would understand. But they never do.

I look back at my breakups, and I've never once have had an explanation. He would just move on and I would be left behind with the question - what went wrong? People leave but the questions still linger.

What do you really say when you want to break someone's heart?

Be the change

I am sure that most of us look at the plight of the poor around us, and wonder to ourselves – What can we do for them? We ignore the street children begging for money because we are told not to encourage such acts. True. By condemning begging, we hope that this would compel the beggars to work for their livelihood. But is this all we can do?

We look towards our NGOs to deal with such situations. But even they are ill-funded and are limited to the help that they can extend. Our Government is unreliable. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. So ask yourself again – What can YOU do and what is it that you are doing for those in need?

For the past couple of months, I changed my route to work. I noticed a group of children sitting on the pavement, and an old woman teaching them. She had hung her small blackboard and ‘alphabet’ charts on the wiring near the road, and each child with a slate of their own. This was the school I passed by every day. Never was the teacher not there for her students.

Here was a woman who had set up shop at the side of the road and was teaching children all by herself.  I was amazed at her uniqueness, and so, I stopped on my way to work and spoke to her.

Gaurav Ma Snehlata Hooda runs this small पाठशाला for the slum children. She is 68 years old, retired from an administrative job and lives on a pension. And it is with this money that she takes care of these children.

How did she start? She’s been doing this since 7 years, and she does it because she just wants to.

The children didn’t go to her, she went to the children. She went around on foot looking for these children in slums, and in labour groups. She picks up these children from the streets and gathers them together to try and provide them with a better life. She tells her children that she wants them to study so that one day they will come riding on a bike to visit her. She wants these children to dream, and know that they can.

When I went there, I didn’t know what to expect. But I was greeted warmly by Gaurav Ma, and she gladly told me her story. She showed me several newspaper clipping and magazine articles about this endeavor of hers. People come, write stories about her, and yet she asks for nothing. All she asked me was to give her support.

Even the children were such a disciplined bunch. Not at all rowdy as expected. Infact, most of them were in uniform, with clean faces and combed hair. I was greeted with a very cheerful ‘Good morning Ma’am’, and was asked to come visit them again. :) Gaurav Ma has truly done a good job with these kids.

And so my friends, even I am not asking you for much. If something really bothers you, then put your foot out first and go ahead to make the change. Gaurav Ma is making the change that she wants to make.

For those of you who would like to visit Gaurav Ma, her small school is on the Gurgaon Golf Links road on the way to Huda Metro Station. Her contact no. is 9818391118.

Traffic Police - Love them or Hate them?

I was rushing to catch a movie the other day (yes, I was 'rushing' within my allowable limits and not merrily driving), when the Traffic Police Constable stopped me. I was driving at the extreme right of the road when I suddenly saw the Cop in the middle of the road, hailing me to stop.

"Oh boy" I say to myself, "Now what?"

My experiences with the Traffic Police have never been pleasant, and honest to God, they have been due to no fault of my own. (Yeah, yeah, I know what you must be thinking. It's always the other driver's fault. But honest!) Ok, on with my story.....but don't you think that Cops should be reprimanded from standing in the middle of the road? They could get killed.

So anyhow, I park my car onto the other side, pull down my window and politely ask him what's the matter. He tells me that I have committed a traffic violation by jumping a red light. "What??!!!"

There is a traffic light on that road, but it's a pedestrian crossing which till date has never been used by anyone to cross the road. Somehow, people would only like to cross the road at points away from the official crossing.

I use this road often, and know that the Traffic Police waits at the bend to catch the helpless motorists who ignore this light. (But how can they see whether the light is green or red from where they are?) Hence, I do stop at the crossing. But that day, I did not stop because the lights were definitely not red.

So I politely apologize to the Constable and tell him that I really didn't see a red light. But I guess he was in the mood to swindle someone and he found poor old me. Well, from past experience, I knew what he was up to and wasn't going to let him get his way. However, for some strange reason, my tongue refused to speak in my local hindi dialect, and instead, my strong pseudo-american accent comes on.

बस, अब तोह यह लड़की गयी. The Constable must have thought that I am some NRI chick driving a fancy car, knowing nothing of the dirty delhi ways.

I got out of the car, and standing 5'10" tall, I tried to intimidate the short, fat guy. But like they say here in Delhi - वोह भी चौरा हो गया. And we started arguing. He was firm on the point that I had committed a violation, and that I should just pay the fine. I usually don't carry and cash and showed him the empty wallet. Then he insisted on cutting me a चल्लान, but I refused to give him my license.

I then remembered to phone call my sister, who luckily for me, is a lawyer. The woman just gave it back to him! She threatened him with a case of harassment. Haahaa!!!!

By then, another constable nearby, joined to see what the ruckus was all about. Luckily, this one was open to reason. I told him that I understood the violation of jumping a red light, and that accidents can happen. Then I mentioned I am a doctor who has witnessed such cases at the hospital.

At the mere mention of 'Doctor', their attitude just changed. Constable no. 2 then cajoled my indicter to let me go.

My noble profession, which I no longer pursue, may have saved me, but my sister later did give me some useful tips that might save anyone of you some other day:

• Only a Head Constable can cut you a चल्लान 
• Maximum fine for a traffic violation is Rs. 200

But Dear Traffic Police, why do you stoop so low to set out to swindle people? There are so many heinous violations being committed, can't you please actively pursue them instead and keep our roads clear and safe?

Advertisement! Advertisement! Advertisement!

Vidya Balan’s famous dialougue from ‘The Dirty Picture’, when asked what drives a movie – Entertainment! Entertainment! Entertainment!

Ask a marketing strategist, what drives a movie? Promotions! Promotions! Promotions!

I used to have a classmate whose father was into the film industry and he once told me that if ever in a scene, you see a label of a product, it means that that product is one of the sponsors of the movie. And since then, I have always kept an eye for this small little detail. It’s a weird little fascination of mine, but I think it’s these small facts that make things so interesting.

And since this piece of information was shared with me, it has become evident to me that our famous actors appear more frequently in advertisements even if you barely see them acting in a film once in a year. Infact, it seems that our actors rake in a better income by endorsing products rather than acting in ‘GOOD’ films.

I read an article in OPEN Magazine, wherein an unknown ad professional confesses that the numerous Indian award functions are just set up to recognize/celebrate their favorite actors for their support. 

Now take for example our latest Shahrukh Khan movies – Ra-One and Don 2. Even though Ra-One was just released towards the end of 2011, and despite the numerous ‘extremely bad reviews’ that I have heard, it has been nominated as one of the best films and obviously Shahrukh for best actor. Similarly, for Don 2. Have you even seen the movie? (I usually avoid Shahrukh Khan’s movies but had to humor a friend’s request for this one). There isn’t a plot in the movie! All I could make out were the numerous brand promotions – the cars, watches, tourism….damn, it just felt like a very long ad film!!

And so it goes for the movies. However, it seems that this trend is even catching up on our blogging and micro-blogging sites…..One of the blogs that I follow, did a feature on ‘Flipkart’. The article was quite interesting in itself, but what I’ve noticed is that since then, advertisements from Flipkart are mainly featured on that blog. For those of you who do blog, it is known that a little side money is made by featuring advertisements through AdSense, and so far, I’ve only earned $0.26. So if I recommend a product that I use, would it contribute monetarily to my blog? Hmmm……I do use Snapdeal a lot. Anyone listening? ;)

Progesterone vs. Testosterone

Today, I write for a personal health cause – Polycystic Ovarian Disease (PCOD). But the reason I’ve encroached upon this is due to what my Ultrasonologist said to me this morning – "You modern women are trying to become men, and in the process your progesterone levels are going down while your testosterone levels are going up."

The doctors to whom I go to are obviously much older to me, and to them, I am the modern generation. Ever since I presented with symptoms of PCOD, the only true cure that they tell me is – get married and have a baby!

Marriage? Baby? Really?!! I don’t think I am ready for it yet. There is still so much more that I strive for. I need a better job profile; I need to earn better money. I am swallowed in an eternal rat race which seems impossible to leave. If I stop even for a minute, I shall be trampled down. And what guarantee do I have that after marriage I would be able to sustain my finances and lead the same lifestyle as I do now?

I can hear my consciousness say – ‘we poor souls who fail in the exuberance of personal accord, encompass ourselves in the false comforts of wealth.’ (Sigh!)

It is 2012…we live fast paced lives where everything is achieved at the touch of a button. We work hard to acquire social treasures, but at what cost? I am brought to mind what Dalai Lama said when asked what surprised him most about humanity – "Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

Ladies, this is especially for you. Are we ready to put down our aggressive independence? Is macho-ism so essential for our existence? We know that we are as good as men, but to what extent do we need to keep proving it?

I am also sharing some medical facts about PCOD which is a good to know since it is becoming a prevalent lifestyle disease. The cause is not yet known. Since it tends to run in families, it is a combination of genetics and lifestyle factors, stress being one of the predominant ones.

http://women.webmd.com/pcos-directory

PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome, is a common hormonal disorder in women that with interferes with the growth and release of eggs from the ovaries, or ovulation. It is the most common cause of infertility among women. PCOS occurs when a woman's body overproduces sex hormones, called androgens (= male hormones). The hormone imbalance prevents fluid-filled sacs in the ovaries from breaking open and releasing mature eggs. The fluid-filled sacs bunch together, causing many tiny cysts. Symptoms of PCOS include missed periods, abnormal facial and body hair growth, acne, and weight gain. PCOS may run in families.

Symptoms

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) symptoms tend to start gradually. Often, hormone changes that lead to PCOS start in the early teens, after the first menstrual period. Symptoms may be especially noticeable after a weight gain.

With PCOS, you may have only a few symptoms or many symptoms. It is common for PCOS symptoms to be mistaken for other medical problems.

Early symptoms
Early symptoms of PCOS include:

• Few or no menstrual periods. This can range from less than nine menstrual cycles in a year (more than 35 days between cycles) to no menstrual periods. Some women with PCOS have regular periods but are not ovulating every month. This means that their ovaries are not releasing an egg each month.
• Heavy, irregular vaginal bleeding. About 30% of women with PCOS have this symptom.
• Hair loss from the scalp and hair growth (hirsutism) on the face, chest, back, stomach, thumbs, or toes.
• Acne and oily skin, caused by high androgen levels.
• Depression or mood swings.

Living with PCOS symptoms can affect your sense of well-being, sexual satisfaction, and overall quality of life. This too can lead to depression.

Gradual symptoms
PCOS symptoms that may develop gradually include:

• Weight gain or upper body obesity (more around the abdomen than the hips). This is linked to high androgen levels.
• Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair (alopecia). This is linked to high androgen levels.
• Repeat miscarriages. The cause for this is not known. These miscarriages may be linked to high insulin levels, delayed ovulation, or other problems such as the quality of the egg or how the egg attaches to the uterus.
• Inability to become pregnant (infertility). This is because the ovaries are not releasing an egg (not ovulating).
• Symptoms of too much insulin (hyperinsulinemia) and insulin resistance, which can include upper body weight gain and skin changes, such as skin tags or dark, velvety skin patches under the arm, on the neck, or in the groin and genital area.
• Breathing problems while sleeping (obstructive sleep apnea). This is linked to both obesity and insulin resistance.

High blood pressure may be more common in women who have PCOS, especially if they are very overweight. Your doctor will check your blood pressure.

The most common reasons that first bring women with PCOS to a doctor include:

• Menstrual problems.
• Male-type hair growth (hirsutism) on the face and body.
• Infertility.
• Weight gain or upper body obesity.

Treatment Overview
The first step in managing polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is getting regular exercise, eating a healthy diet, and not smoking. This is a medical treatment for PCOS, not just a lifestyle choice. Additional treatments depend on your symptoms and whether you are planning a pregnancy. Regular exercise, a healthy diet, not smoking, and weight control are all important parts of treatment for PCOS. Sometimes, also using a medicine to balance hormones is helpful.

There is no cure for PCOS, but controlling it lowers your PCOS risks of infertility, miscarriages, diabetes, heart disease, and uterine cancer.

Initial treatment

• If you are overweight, a small amount of weight loss is likely to help balance your hormones and start up your menstrual cycle and ovulation. Use regular exercise and a healthy weight-loss diet as your first big treatment step. This is especially important if you're planning a pregnancy.
• If you smoke, consider quitting. Women who smoke have higher levels of androgens than women who don't smoke. Smoking also increases your risk of heart disease.
• If you are planning a pregnancy and weight loss doesn't improve your fertility, your doctor may suggest a medicine that helps lower insulin. With weight loss, this can improve your chances of ovulation and pregnancy. Fertility drug treatment may also help start ovulation.
• If you are not planning a pregnancy, you can also use hormone therapy to help control your ovary hormones. To correct menstrual cycle problems, birth control hormones keep your endometrial lining from building up for too long. This is what prevents uterine cancer. Hormone therapy can also help with male-type hair growth and acne. Birth control pills, patches, or vaginal rings are prescribed for hormone therapy. Androgen-lowering spironolactone (Aldactone) is often used with estrogen-progestin birth control pills. This helps with hair loss, acne, and male-pattern hair growth on the face and body (hirsutism).

Taking hormones does not help with heart, blood pressure, cholesterol, and diabetes risks. This is why exercise and a healthy diet are a key part of your treatment.

Something for today...

I got a message on my phone the other day…….you are someone to somebody. I stopped writing because I thought no one was actually following my blog, and that no one really cared about what I wrote. But this Christmas, I got to know that even if one person does wait for me to write, it matters. Thank you N. J

There is so much on my mind, so much to share, but with the advent of technology, my words get cornered. I have no complaints with technology, if not for it; you would not be reading this right now. But  here is a small satire to technology:

Everyone seems to have their heads down,

Fingers are busy typing.

More text and less talk.

Seats besides us are empty, but we don’t care.

Virtual reality is what is there.

But can u really FEEL what is there?

What Disney didn’t tell us

After a series of maladies, Cinderella finally meets Prince Charming.

Walt Disney Productions played a big role in my childhood. They made the movies with happy endings and where dreams never die. To my best, I watched most of the classics – Snow White, Cinderella, Little Mermaid, Aladdin…and the list continues. Disney princesses were my idols and I fantasized about my life being one big Disney movie.

And so, like the story goes, enters Prince Charming. I’m sure most of us have met him, haven’t we? But what happens next? Did we expect that life would be perfect thereafter? (I timidly raise my hand in affirmative.)

The movie I dreamt is over and now I have reality staring starkly in the face, and it doesn’t look pretty. Plus, evil stepmother is still lurking around.

After you meet Prince Charming, do you know where you are heading? He may be a workaholic, you may be one too; you both may belong to different worlds or different cities/countries even. So what do you do? Continue living your practical life even though your heart says that he may be the one? Give up or ignore the circumstances and hope for things to fall into place? Some things in life are predetermined, and you can’t fight fate. And as the saying goes – if it’s meant to be, it will be. But, life is also 99% of what you make of it. And if you are the religious type – God only helps those, who help themselves.

There are also times when things suddenly take a downfall and things aren’t what they used to be. Alarm bells start ringing in your heart. Is it time to abandon ship? And this is where the Evil Stepmother starts to work her magic on you. Depression and negativity come into play. Sometimes, you are so scared of the relationship turning sour, that out of desperation, you try so hard, that things turn worse. Some may even unconsciously present Prince Charming with the opportunity to end the relationship.

Is that what you really want?

And while sitting heartbroken, there will be days when a certain song, picture or memory pops up to remind you that things were good and that they still can be. Now here is where you need to be patient and positive.

And what of Prince Charming? Does he know of the fears playing out in your head? Sometimes, yes. But isn’t love worth fighting for?

Atleast one thing Disney has taught me – never stop believing in your dreams. Take chances, it could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

The Evil Stepmother - Negative Emotions!

The weekend has mulled me to rationalize the science of jealousy. And so I ardently search the internet for a scientific reasoning. Google provided an intensive number of hits, but I finally decided on quoting Wikipedia.

(Note – As a researcher, I never quote Wiki, but you got to admit, you get the most reasonable and easily understood articles here.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy

The word stems from the French word, jalousie, formed from jaloux (jealous), and further from Low Latin, zelosus (full of zeal), in turn from the Greek word ζήλος (zēlos), sometimes "jealousy", but more often in a positive sense "emulation, ardour, zeal"  (with a root connoting "to boil, ferment"; or "yeast").
Jealousy is a secondary emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, sadness, resentment and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy.
Jealousy is often reinforced as a series of particularly strong emotions and constructed as a universal human experience; it has been a theme of many artistic works that seek to privilege monogamous discourses. Psychologists have proposed several models of the processes underlying jealousy and have identified factors that result in jealousy. Sociologists have demonstrated that cultural beliefs and values play an important role in determining what triggers jealousy and what constitutes socially acceptable expressions of jealousy. Biologists have identified factors that may unconsciously influence the expression of jealousy. Artists have explored the theme of jealousy in photographs, paintings, movies, songs, plays, poems, and books. Theologians have offered religious views of jealousy based on the scriptures of their respective faiths.

The article does have a lengthy discourse but we get the picture. I think most of us feel jealous because we feel insecure, another negative emotion, and the root of most fears. Here’s another interesting article I found.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199905/the-trouble-insecurity

The Trouble with Insecurity

How those who suffer from low self-esteem sabotage their own relationships.

By Jeff Howe, published on May 01, 1999 - last reviewed on May 18, 2007

Most people seek a soul mate to love them unconditionally. But those who need such acceptance most—the terminally insecure—often sabotage their own chances at bliss.

When we're feeling low, we often regain confidence through a mate's love and support. Unfortunately, says Sandra Murray, Ph.D., people who suffer from low self-esteem assume that their loved ones notice their glaring faults more than their redeeming virtues.

In four experiments, Murray and colleagues asked subjects to think of a time they'd disappointed their partner. Finally, subjects answered a questionnaire assessing the strength of their partner's love and their feelings for him or her. Mulling over the past incident led insecure subjects to report that their mate did not accept them as they were. Ironically, insecure people seemed to push away a possible source of reassurance by thinking less of their loved ones. Afraid of rejection, the less confident fear that their partners will get wind of their flaws, explains Murray, of the State University of New York at Buffalo. They try to distance themselves before they get dumped.

"People with low self-esteem are doubly at risk" of feeling vulnerable in a relationship, she says. "They tend to believe their partner's regard is conditional." Luckily, says Murray, stable relationships are known to boost self-esteem. So, the longer the insecure person hangs on to a loving partner, the less likely she is to drive him away.

I rest my case…….nothing more to be said.

But wait!!!!! We just can’t let these insecurities get the better of us. We could be with an awesome partner right now who isn’t aware of the above theorem. Why should we let our insecurities get the better of us? Why should we lose out on being with a wonderful person? 

It’s not easy, and neither is it easy to make the other person understand this. They would probably think that we are making an excuse for not being able to maintain a success relationship.

We have to make a promise to ourselves to live a happier and positive life. Take it one step at a time, and don’t rush because you might stumble and fall. Look around you, there’s always someone to help along the way. And I hope your partner understands and will always be with you no matter.

Here’s to happy endings. May we all get our Prince Charmings.

(RJ, I wish you could read this and understand.)

The story so far… (4th part to the Hostess series)

The disgruntled hostess had too much pride and very little common sense, and so she packed up her bags and headed to a place with sweltering heat, cattle on the road and an inglorious parliamentary system….India.

I survived recession when I first got to India, but after giving into emotional blackmail of a single parent, I came back to my actual home, Delhi. If you are wondering, you may have even guessed it right, I am Punjabi. A Christian Punjabi to be precise! We are rare, but do exist.

Fast forward to the present, I am turning 30 in 3 days and my mother is beginning to panic. No woman in the Punjabi community whether ugly or pretty, rich or poor would stay unmarried for so long. People begin to wonder, and wondering leads to talk. “Is she lesbian? Na baba na, what are you saying?!” “Such a nice pretty girl, but very bad luck she has.” “Maybe she is not finding the right boys, I will introduce her to my sister’s brother-in-law’s son who recently got divorced”. And so it goes on. Lately, I even have neighbors wanting me to meet a boy they know.

It’s not that I can’t get a man; I do have a boyfriend (at least that’s what they are still called). But it’s a long distance relationship – boy and girl, rather, man and woman live in two different states, and the 3G intercom services is what keeps the love alive. Did I say love? Oops! Friendship turning into like and hoping to fall in love is what it is.

While my mother is busy scanning through the matrimonials and envisioning a grand celebration, I interrupt her thoughts with my grand announcement – I have a boyfriend.

Mom – Is he Christian?

Me – No, he’s Hindu.

Mom – North Indian?

Me – Gujrati

Mom – Educated?

Me – Yes, he’s a MBA and runs a business.

Mom – Are you serious about each other?

Me – I don’t know. I do like him a lot.

Mom – Will he marry you?

Me – I don’t know.

Mom – Then what do you want me to do?

Me – I don’t know. I’m telling you because you need to know. But I guess you can keep searching for grooms for me. (I have to be practical here, because even the boyfriend’s mother has told him to keep his options open.)

Me – What if we do decide to get married to each other?

Mom – Then you’ll have a court-wedding.

And I’m left standing with my mouth hitting the ground, and I think I heard a ‘clunk’.

Now don’t get my mother wrong. She’s an Indian mother and that too a Punjabi one. If you defy your parents and marry out of caste, you are only entitled to a simple wedding. But if you are the ‘ghar ka shaan’ (star of the house), who gets married to the spouse of your parents’ choice, then even the Gods shower gold upon you.

While I have an obsessing mother to deal with, I also have to tread carefully with the boyfriend. At the start of a relationship, everything seems perfect and you think absolutely nothing can go wrong. But down the line, a few months later, trouble begins to knock. I live miles away from him, what can I do to keep the romance alive? (But that’s not the dilemma here.) Just that I am turning 30, travelled the world and openly swear in public, am I considered a different variant of the female species? Older does mean wiser, but that doesn’t mean we are rid of feelings, especially the worst one of all – jealousy! When you frankly tell a man that you are the possessive type, he thinks you are cool and takes it sportingly. But when finally confronted with the emotion, he thinks that you are immature! Argh! What law of the universe is this? Am I not allowed to feel jealous and insecure? Which woman is devoid of such feelings? We are not cool all the time. For Heaven sake, even mothers feel jealous of their son’s wives/girlfriends!

Men, when we have feelings of negativity, we are not suspecting you of cheating on us. We just need your attention and be reminded that we are better than the rest. (Extra effort required for long-distance girlfriends.)

I wish life, especially relationships came with an instruction manual.

Never been kissed

November 28, 2009


(Disclaimer - for those of you who have seen the movie, you know where I've borrowed the words. I am just expressing my thoughts on them.)

I finally got to see 'Never Been Kissed' today. It's now been added to my list of favourite movies. But what spurns me on to write is what Josie (Drew Barrymore) tells her friends.(not the exact words though)

..."I've never kissed a boy. I mean not in that special way. That moment when the world goes hazy and all that matters is you and that person. That one moment when you want to both laugh and cry. That one moment when you love that person so much and yet fear that you might lose him..."

I've never been kissed that way. I have felt weak in the knees and melted with kisses, but is it the same?

I want to have that kiss which will always put a smile on my face. That kiss which will banish the fears. That kiss which will brush away the tears. That kiss which will put a song in my heart. That kiss that will be with me through thick and thin, And still keep kissing me until I am old.

Have any of you ever been kissed that way?

A different ending to the book 'Chocolat'

(Written in 2008)

Monday, March 31^st

Easter Sunday

The winds have changed directions, pere. A warm gush of wind blows, restless. It was the change of the north winds that embarked her presence in Lansquenet. I thought I could gain victory over her, and make her fly away with the next change of winds. Instead, it is me that the winds are carrying away with them.

               Is this the fruit of my penitence? Is this what the Lord had in store for me? I was weak with abstinence during the entire period of lent. I resisted. I tended to my flock, but to what avail? And even you, mon pere, your body has failed you. Just when I needed to see your solemn face, to reconfirm the faith within myself. Your suffering, a constant reminder of the tribulations that one must endeavour to achieve divination.

             And those chocolates…..those chocolates. Tempting me with voices from their inner souls, calling me, mocking me.

‘Taste me, Try me’.

They attack me with their redolence. Their smell, an intoxication, alluring me out of my resistance. A seduction more damned than the covetousness of the flesh. Ah! Their names just as bewitching as their aromas. White rum truffle. Manon Blanc. Crème de cassis. Each word rolling over your tongue as if succulently making love to them.

Oh pere, how could I be so weak? I preached to my people to resist temptation, to resist her, to resist those chocolates, but they were my own downfall. It is all the doing of Viann. She made me do this. She entered my mind and tempted me with her sorcery. She is a witch I tell you, a witch! Underneath that beautiful, smooth soft skin, and lovely smile that curves ah so gently around her mouth, looking so naïve and innocent, lies evil! I knew it the moment I saw her. I felt it in the wind. I should have gotten rid of her the moment she set foot in Lansquenet. She and her wild bastard.

              She made me want to think of Muscat. To liken him to a pig. Knowing so well that gluttony is the evil of a pig. She eluded my thoughts. She has watched over my dreams at night, catching them in the weathervane above St. Jerome. And when she finally removed her veil from my mind, there I was on the ground, rolled over in chocolate, a display of humiliation. Just like her display of Eostre, I lay next to it, a show of her winnings.

              I arose from there with whatever dignity I could muster and hurriedly came to you, Mon pere, to soothe my wounds. But the nurse waiting for me was the forbearer of bad news. Why pere? Why could you not wait for me to come back? Did you not give me a sign yesterday? Is this what this Easter was supposed to be, a resurrection of your soul?

But we shall meet again, pere. I have been pure for you.

               Armande Voizin stands in front of me, youthful again with her dark hair flying wildly in the wind. Even the dead mock me. The winds may be carrying me away, but I shall find you Vianne Rocher. How long will you stay in tranquility in Lansquenet? You are restless like the winds. They won’t let you stay for long. And when the winds change directions again, our paths will cross. Till then, I wait in readiness.

Food for Thought

(Written in 2008)

The food on my plate stares at me, and I stare back. It makes me ponder. I guess that’s why it’s called, ‘Food for Thought’.

Two years ago, a meal was never eaten alone. There was always my family to eat with or friends. Now, time seems to have passed by in a flash, and I am sitting by myself, looking at the food on my plate, and reflecting.

Whenever I used to see someone eating by themselves, I thought of them as lonely people. Right now I am eating by myself, but I am I lonely? Not in the true sense but I am alone, away from the people I love the most.

Ever since I’ve come to Canada, food always reminds me of home. The patter of cooking utensils, Mom giving instructions to the cook, and the pleasing aroma of a home-cooked meal. These were things I used to take for granted. When I wouldn’t eat my meal, my mother would be after me to eat my food. Now, there is no one to ask whether I’ve eaten or not.

Living away from home obviously endeavors us into our venture of cooking. And me, being armed with my basic cooking skills, try to satisfy my taste buds with a taste of home. However, there always seems to be something missing. What is it? One day, I very bravely endeavored to make a particular dish that my mother makes. I had the hand written recipe from her, and was sure that it would be perfect. But after an hour into, it looked nothing like it should have. And the taste, well, I’ve definitely tasted better. I really miss my mother then. I wish she were here, taste my cooking, and give me a tight hug.

Well, my mother and family aren’t here, but I do have my friends. And my friends are like my family. So now, I never miss out on an opportunity to eat with them, and then the food feels more fulfilling. After all, doesn’t food taste better with people you love?

In fact, I have a pact with a friend to try different cuisines every Sunday, and till now, we’ve had quite an interesting gastronomical experience! The best one yet was last week when we went to try out Korean cuisine. Our table had a grill in the middle of it, and we were quite curious to learn how it works. Our server was very friendly, and patiently taught us how to cook the food on the grill. He created an ambience that made us enthusiastic to cook our food (an ordeal which we usually dread). In the end, we cooked a sumptuous meal and relished every bit of it.

What is it about food that makes us so reflective? Is it the effect of food itself? Or is it the solitude we give ourselves when we sit down to eat? I am grateful for the food that I eat because there are others who are less fortunate and do not even get to eat the healthy food that they need. We do take a lot of things for granted, and as we sit down to eat, we all should reflect on the day gone by and the day to come, to remember the people we love, and not take things for granted. And above all, thank God for the food on our table.

But food shouldn’t be taken in all seriousness. There is also the fun-loving side of food. There is comfort food, and the food of love.

So, drink, eat and be merry, for tomorrow we shall diet!

Take My Reservation, Bitch!

(3rd and last Hostess story)

Why do people get offended when they don't get what they want? Why does it bring out the worst in some of them? Even for a petty thing, like a reservation?!

Another question. (I think questioning is becoming my trademark. So I have been told by a friend.) When you plan for a big get together with friends, is it usually last minute? I am talking of a large group of 10 and more. Do people think that it's their prerogative to demand a reservation and be honoured for making a reservation? Uh-uh!!

My prestigious little restaurant is quite a hot spot during the weekends. Our wait times, under dire circumstances, even run upto 1 hour! The sensible ones, with proper planning, make their reservations days in advance, which is beneficial to them and us hostesses. That way, we can plan seating arrangements for the evening ahead. We usually have large parties ranging from 15 to upto 50 even (and one time a 100 for a christmas party) during the weekends. When we have large parties like that, most of the tables are taken for an expected 3 hours atleast. And so, we also have to make sure that there is room for the people who come in without reservations. Mind you, once we have one party of 20 or more on the list, it's difficult to take another big party.

One weekend, we got overbooked with our reservations. We had a party of 50 and a party of 30 for the same evening. That means about half of the restaurant is taken over by campers (restaurant lingo: customers who will just sit and talk despite having been done with food). So obviously, we couldn't take on any more parties. However, one very mean woman did try to make a last minute reservation, and unfortunately, got her way.

My fellow hostess took the call for this woman's reservation. She very politely explained the situation to the customer as to why we couldn't take the reservation. But the woman refused to understand and demanded to know who was in-charge of reservations. When told it was the hostess itself, she was deeply offended, and wanted to speak to the manager. The manager had just stepped out and was unavailable. The woman went into a rage. She tells my colleague, "You better take my reservation, you fucking bitch. It's because of reservations made by people like me that your fucking restaurant runs. So you better stop showing me your attitude, and take my reservation, bitch!" Oh my God! How can anyone talk like that?! Is making a dinner reservation such big an issue?

Then, the woman called back later and spoke to the manager. She had the audacity to tell him that the hostess was extremely rude to her daughter and made her cry. And so, my manager had to take the reservation.

What about the nonsense my colleague had to bear? The manager later called my colleague to know what had happened. She told him that the customer called her a bitch and that it was her that was rude. Well, the reservation had already been taken and nothing could be done.

The day such people come, we really don't bother about them because it's the weekend and we are way too busy trying to get a quick turnover for the rest of the customers. If they have a problem, and have to wait for the table to be ready (which they usually have to despite the reservation), they are directed to the manager.

But seriously, is a reservation such big a deal that a person has to stoop so low as to use profanity to get their way? You may have the money, but it definitely doesn't buy you any manners.

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