What Disney didn’t tell us

After a series of maladies, Cinderella finally meets Prince Charming.

Walt Disney Productions played a big role in my childhood. They made the movies with happy endings and where dreams never die. To my best, I watched most of the classics – Snow White, Cinderella, Little Mermaid, Aladdin…and the list continues. Disney princesses were my idols and I fantasized about my life being one big Disney movie.

And so, like the story goes, enters Prince Charming. I’m sure most of us have met him, haven’t we? But what happens next? Did we expect that life would be perfect thereafter? (I timidly raise my hand in affirmative.)

The movie I dreamt is over and now I have reality staring starkly in the face, and it doesn’t look pretty. Plus, evil stepmother is still lurking around.

After you meet Prince Charming, do you know where you are heading? He may be a workaholic, you may be one too; you both may belong to different worlds or different cities/countries even. So what do you do? Continue living your practical life even though your heart says that he may be the one? Give up or ignore the circumstances and hope for things to fall into place? Some things in life are predetermined, and you can’t fight fate. And as the saying goes – if it’s meant to be, it will be. But, life is also 99% of what you make of it. And if you are the religious type – God only helps those, who help themselves.

There are also times when things suddenly take a downfall and things aren’t what they used to be. Alarm bells start ringing in your heart. Is it time to abandon ship? And this is where the Evil Stepmother starts to work her magic on you. Depression and negativity come into play. Sometimes, you are so scared of the relationship turning sour, that out of desperation, you try so hard, that things turn worse. Some may even unconsciously present Prince Charming with the opportunity to end the relationship.

Is that what you really want?

And while sitting heartbroken, there will be days when a certain song, picture or memory pops up to remind you that things were good and that they still can be. Now here is where you need to be patient and positive.

And what of Prince Charming? Does he know of the fears playing out in your head? Sometimes, yes. But isn’t love worth fighting for?

Atleast one thing Disney has taught me – never stop believing in your dreams. Take chances, it could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

The Evil Stepmother - Negative Emotions!

The weekend has mulled me to rationalize the science of jealousy. And so I ardently search the internet for a scientific reasoning. Google provided an intensive number of hits, but I finally decided on quoting Wikipedia.

(Note – As a researcher, I never quote Wiki, but you got to admit, you get the most reasonable and easily understood articles here.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy

The word stems from the French word, jalousie, formed from jaloux (jealous), and further from Low Latin, zelosus (full of zeal), in turn from the Greek word ζήλος (zēlos), sometimes "jealousy", but more often in a positive sense "emulation, ardour, zeal"  (with a root connoting "to boil, ferment"; or "yeast").
Jealousy is a secondary emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, sadness, resentment and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy.
Jealousy is often reinforced as a series of particularly strong emotions and constructed as a universal human experience; it has been a theme of many artistic works that seek to privilege monogamous discourses. Psychologists have proposed several models of the processes underlying jealousy and have identified factors that result in jealousy. Sociologists have demonstrated that cultural beliefs and values play an important role in determining what triggers jealousy and what constitutes socially acceptable expressions of jealousy. Biologists have identified factors that may unconsciously influence the expression of jealousy. Artists have explored the theme of jealousy in photographs, paintings, movies, songs, plays, poems, and books. Theologians have offered religious views of jealousy based on the scriptures of their respective faiths.

The article does have a lengthy discourse but we get the picture. I think most of us feel jealous because we feel insecure, another negative emotion, and the root of most fears. Here’s another interesting article I found.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199905/the-trouble-insecurity

The Trouble with Insecurity

How those who suffer from low self-esteem sabotage their own relationships.

By Jeff Howe, published on May 01, 1999 - last reviewed on May 18, 2007

Most people seek a soul mate to love them unconditionally. But those who need such acceptance most—the terminally insecure—often sabotage their own chances at bliss.

When we're feeling low, we often regain confidence through a mate's love and support. Unfortunately, says Sandra Murray, Ph.D., people who suffer from low self-esteem assume that their loved ones notice their glaring faults more than their redeeming virtues.

In four experiments, Murray and colleagues asked subjects to think of a time they'd disappointed their partner. Finally, subjects answered a questionnaire assessing the strength of their partner's love and their feelings for him or her. Mulling over the past incident led insecure subjects to report that their mate did not accept them as they were. Ironically, insecure people seemed to push away a possible source of reassurance by thinking less of their loved ones. Afraid of rejection, the less confident fear that their partners will get wind of their flaws, explains Murray, of the State University of New York at Buffalo. They try to distance themselves before they get dumped.

"People with low self-esteem are doubly at risk" of feeling vulnerable in a relationship, she says. "They tend to believe their partner's regard is conditional." Luckily, says Murray, stable relationships are known to boost self-esteem. So, the longer the insecure person hangs on to a loving partner, the less likely she is to drive him away.

I rest my case…….nothing more to be said.

But wait!!!!! We just can’t let these insecurities get the better of us. We could be with an awesome partner right now who isn’t aware of the above theorem. Why should we let our insecurities get the better of us? Why should we lose out on being with a wonderful person? 

It’s not easy, and neither is it easy to make the other person understand this. They would probably think that we are making an excuse for not being able to maintain a success relationship.

We have to make a promise to ourselves to live a happier and positive life. Take it one step at a time, and don’t rush because you might stumble and fall. Look around you, there’s always someone to help along the way. And I hope your partner understands and will always be with you no matter.

Here’s to happy endings. May we all get our Prince Charmings.

(RJ, I wish you could read this and understand.)

The story so far… (4th part to the Hostess series)

The disgruntled hostess had too much pride and very little common sense, and so she packed up her bags and headed to a place with sweltering heat, cattle on the road and an inglorious parliamentary system….India.

I survived recession when I first got to India, but after giving into emotional blackmail of a single parent, I came back to my actual home, Delhi. If you are wondering, you may have even guessed it right, I am Punjabi. A Christian Punjabi to be precise! We are rare, but do exist.

Fast forward to the present, I am turning 30 in 3 days and my mother is beginning to panic. No woman in the Punjabi community whether ugly or pretty, rich or poor would stay unmarried for so long. People begin to wonder, and wondering leads to talk. “Is she lesbian? Na baba na, what are you saying?!” “Such a nice pretty girl, but very bad luck she has.” “Maybe she is not finding the right boys, I will introduce her to my sister’s brother-in-law’s son who recently got divorced”. And so it goes on. Lately, I even have neighbors wanting me to meet a boy they know.

It’s not that I can’t get a man; I do have a boyfriend (at least that’s what they are still called). But it’s a long distance relationship – boy and girl, rather, man and woman live in two different states, and the 3G intercom services is what keeps the love alive. Did I say love? Oops! Friendship turning into like and hoping to fall in love is what it is.

While my mother is busy scanning through the matrimonials and envisioning a grand celebration, I interrupt her thoughts with my grand announcement – I have a boyfriend.

Mom – Is he Christian?

Me – No, he’s Hindu.

Mom – North Indian?

Me – Gujrati

Mom – Educated?

Me – Yes, he’s a MBA and runs a business.

Mom – Are you serious about each other?

Me – I don’t know. I do like him a lot.

Mom – Will he marry you?

Me – I don’t know.

Mom – Then what do you want me to do?

Me – I don’t know. I’m telling you because you need to know. But I guess you can keep searching for grooms for me. (I have to be practical here, because even the boyfriend’s mother has told him to keep his options open.)

Me – What if we do decide to get married to each other?

Mom – Then you’ll have a court-wedding.

And I’m left standing with my mouth hitting the ground, and I think I heard a ‘clunk’.

Now don’t get my mother wrong. She’s an Indian mother and that too a Punjabi one. If you defy your parents and marry out of caste, you are only entitled to a simple wedding. But if you are the ‘ghar ka shaan’ (star of the house), who gets married to the spouse of your parents’ choice, then even the Gods shower gold upon you.

While I have an obsessing mother to deal with, I also have to tread carefully with the boyfriend. At the start of a relationship, everything seems perfect and you think absolutely nothing can go wrong. But down the line, a few months later, trouble begins to knock. I live miles away from him, what can I do to keep the romance alive? (But that’s not the dilemma here.) Just that I am turning 30, travelled the world and openly swear in public, am I considered a different variant of the female species? Older does mean wiser, but that doesn’t mean we are rid of feelings, especially the worst one of all – jealousy! When you frankly tell a man that you are the possessive type, he thinks you are cool and takes it sportingly. But when finally confronted with the emotion, he thinks that you are immature! Argh! What law of the universe is this? Am I not allowed to feel jealous and insecure? Which woman is devoid of such feelings? We are not cool all the time. For Heaven sake, even mothers feel jealous of their son’s wives/girlfriends!

Men, when we have feelings of negativity, we are not suspecting you of cheating on us. We just need your attention and be reminded that we are better than the rest. (Extra effort required for long-distance girlfriends.)

I wish life, especially relationships came with an instruction manual.